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Pleasedon't be mad at me mom." Then I held my breath while it was her turn tospeak. She was too quiet for too long, and I was getting worried.Eventually she said, "what should I call you now, dear. What do you wantyour mother to call you?"This really backed me into a corner, because I would LOVE for my mommy toapprove of me as a girl, as Beth, but I wasn't sure how she would handleme saying that to her. I was afraid of her rejection. So I said to her,"well if you call me at work or ask the. He told me what a wonderful woman she was and how she was excited about being my new mom and getting to know me. I said, "She may be your wife but she would never be my mom." Then Dad told me that she had a 17 year old daughter who would be my new big sister. This turned me off even more. A few days later Dad brought Brenda home for the first time. He had his arm around her and she had her head on his shoulder. Dad introduced us but I just stood there and did not say anything. Brenda was. I was emotionally dead. I wondered if I’d ever recover. ‘I’m sorry Jack, I know it’s hard.’ ‘You have no idea… don’t patronise me. How the fucking hell could you, you get to go home to your wife tonight, you get to kiss your daughter goodnight. What do I get to do? Plan a goddamn double funeral… No. This isn’t happening. This isn’t the way it’s going to happen…’ Caleb looked over at me. He had a well of tears built up in his own eyes. ‘Jack, Margarets already started the funeral process, don’t. It was everything the DEA had on Pablo. I decided to read it later on the office computer. I sent back my thanks. I took a deep breath. I still hadn’t figured out how to handle Pablo. A bullet always came to mind first, but adding more guilt to the mountain I already carried didn’t sound appealing. Not to mention, that it may put more risk on Lizzy. I filled the tea kettle and set it on the stove to boil. I wondered if Pablo would listen to reason. Maybe he wanted a clean break as well. My.
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