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I saw no benefit from either of us having to do that, not when the outcome was predetermined anyway. Why not just admit it, and then move on? That's what I had concluded.There was a positive side to my more difficult dilemma. The real problem I'd been facing. By not calling me, Brenda had taken away some of the immediacy from the unsavory temptations I'd been facing. I was, temporarily at least, being protected from my own, possibly unhealthy, desires. On the negative side though, now I. I have heard of some of usthat cut off their testicles, or tried to. Some of us hide by havingunsafe sex resulting in gonorrhea, syphilis, or AIDS. In other words: aslow form of suicide.Or we hide behind drugs. Hopefully those of us that go that route end upin Alcoholics Anonymous, Synanon or other treatment centers before weeither end up in jail or die.We often develop various forms of mental illness, as a product of theextreme shame or bewilderment we have. We are admitted to. Work sucked, and the only thing that had gotten her through it was the thought of meeting her friend Sandy for some drinks and a ladies’ night out. Even out in the parking lot, she had dinged some stranger’s door getting out of her car. Just NOTHING had gone right, and now Sandy just called and said the baby sitter had the measles or something and she couldn’t come out. So here Ruby sat, all dolled up in her favorite purple dress, but alone, pissed off, and not feeling very much of anything. What had surprised her was that although he’d been shocked, she knew that was only because he’d expected her to be there for him until he disposed of her. He was so self obsessed like that, she thought. Things were moving forward for her in ways he’d never understand and would only hold her back. But that was behind her now. She’d have no more silly or petty arguments to face and she had a shoot to look forward to. Life was moving forward and she didn’t need anyone holding her back. Not only.
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